MA Movie: Empire Spring Premiere Recap: Lucious Takes Things Way Too Far, Again

 

So, clearly, my life has been a mixed bag, but things are looking up because at long last Empire has returned to our screens. Hooray! And it’s bringing everything we love about the show: great fashion (I hate Anika, but I’m living for that tan/white poncho she wore to the hospital), over the top drama (Lyon family is trying to be the new Corleones, I guess), and Cookie-isms (broomstick = ass whoopings). All in all “Death Will Have His Day” was a nice comeback and it has me pumped for the rest of this season.

We open right where we left off: Rhonda writhing on the floor, bleeding and asking God to take her instead of the baby. She also manages to see the red sole of a Louboutin shoe leaving the house before she blacks out. Hmm, my money is still on Anika’s trifling self being the one behind all this ignorant nonsense. But maybe I’m wrong? While I’m trying to figure this out, we see that across town, Lucious is holing himself up in his office with one gun and proclaiming that he is going to take on the police. OK! CALL ME WHEN THAT PLAN HAS EVER TURNED OUT WELL FOR A BLACK MAN, LOOSH! Thankfully, Tricky convinces him to put the guns away before the police barge in. And once they do, Becky enters and announces that something bad has happened to Rhonda.

While all of this is going down, Andre is trying to figure out how everyone can legally undo Hakeem’s betrayal. Speaking of Hakeem, he arrives home and find Cookie holding a broom. After asking ‘Keem several times to take back his vote and he keeps responding with “no,” Cookie basically goes to the kitchen, preheats the oven to 375 degrees, sprays down a cookie sheet with some Pam, and then does this:

And bakes the mess out of that whoop ass because she beats his behind with the broom long after the handle breaks and then she picks up her purse and continues to try and knock some sense into him. Man, I have missed Cookie.

Shortly after this is over, everyone arrives at the hospital. Cookie tells Jamal to keep his traitor ass away and then the rest of the family breaks the news to Andre that they baby didn’t survive the fall. He then does this:

which is the only appropriate reaction to such devastating news, Once he composes himself, he sees Rhonda, who says that God isn’t real because why would he allow such an awful thing to happen. She then blames herself and says she must have tripped. Ooof. While they are coping with this loss, Lucious is trying to deal with his loss of the company. He’s in his walk in closet loading a gun because I guess he’s just going to straight up shoot people . . . and then go back to jail because it’ll be obvious he had motive to kill everybody? He is such a buffoon and he ought to be grateful that Cookie puts this plan on pause and asking for 48 hours to do things her way.

She heads over to Hakeem and Camilla and when she doesn’t get her way, she then takes a handful of candy and throws it all over his crib. Sounds about right. Anyway, Camilla convinces him to try and become the CEO and that he needs to break up with Laura. So what does he do? Get drunk off a Mike’s Hard Lemonade, calls her a virgin—#WayHarshTai—and they’re done-zo. But then he pouts, so we understand that he’s in love with Laura. Ya know, I wish for once in Hakeem’s dusty life, he would just do something on his own instead of just blindly doing what Cookie, Lucious, Camilla, Jamal, or Andre tell him. Doesn’t this boy have brains???

Anika’s dumb behind visits Rhonda and is talking about “maybe everything happens for a reason.” Anika is seriously the worst person on the show and I’m pretty much ready for her to be killed off.

While Cookie is trying to get the company back, he hires a bunch of felons to terrorize the board members, which includes blowing up cars and killing cats. In fact, when Camilla holds a meeting the next day to vote for a new CEO, everyone is scared and says nothing. That’s when Hakeem jumps on the conference table—totally unnecessary—proclaims that he should be CEO. LOL. WUT? Hakeem says his qualifications for being a CEO are that he has swag, good looks, can rap? That does not make you a CEO, that makes you the unemployed black dudes in Times Square who hand out their wack ass mixtapes on Maxwell CD-Rs. Boo-boo, you are hella unqualified to be a CEO. You have no business background, no leadership experience, and no damn common sense.

Now, that we’ve all had a good laugh at Hakeem’s ignorance, let’s turn our attention to my favorite part of the episode: Jamal’s sexuality. Everyone seems to be concerned about it. Jameson is mad because they wanted to do a big splashy press push about Jamal being gay, but Jameson doesn’t think they can if he hooked up with Skye. Cookie thinks he’s being a lazy bisexual. In short, a lot of dumb ish is being said, which is why Jamal and Cookie’s convo is so amazing. I mean, remember how just a few episodes ago, I was cussing the show out because it seemed like it was being rather boneheaded about sex? Turns it out, it was leading to the very progressive and dope point: sexuality is fluid. Jamal is gay, but that doesn’t mean that he will never be attracted to a woman. For him, it’s not about gender, per se, but about the person. I absolutely love this, and I think this will be a scene that some kids can use when talking to their parents about their own love and sex lives. So big ups, Empire. Plus, Jamal gets an awesome song “Freedom” out of telling his truth. Do you, boo!

Later on, Cookie consoles Andre by telling him she had a miscarriage. This seems to lift both his and Rhonda’s spirits, so when they go home, they are smiling again. Rhonda tries to walk up the stairs in the house, but slips and falls a little bit. She remembers more from the night of the accident, but we don’t see what because we return to Empire and see this:

Y’all, what in Monopoly money hell is this ghat damn outfit? But Hakeem is certain he can be a CEO. Riiiiiiiiight. Anyway, Cookie, Jamal, and Andre force Hakeem’s hand by threatening to leak Jamal’s album online unless Hakeem agrees to let Cookie run Lyon Dynasty without interference and be head of A&R for all of Empire. Camilla tries to do her best Yoko Ono, but ‘Keem smartly agrees to this plan. Cookie then gives Lucious the keys to Lyon Dynasty so he can work on some music.

Hakeem continues to make the rounds and repair relationships by apologizing to Laura. She quickly gives him her virginity, they say I love you and promise to be together forever, so that means they’re breaking up next week. Sorry, boos! That night, Hakeem then goes to see his pops and they have probably the most ludicrous/perfect conversation ever.

Loosh straight up confesses to killing Uncle Bunkie to keep Empire, says that he will do anything to stay in power and then says that if Hakeem really wants to be a CEO, he has to have that that same instinct. So Lucious hands Hakeem a gun and says, “Kill me now to sit on the throne. And if you don’t shoot me right now, I promise I will do my best to take your life:”

Cut to me like:

and then I follow that up with a dash of:

Seriously, why does Lucious have to take things to Level 27?!?!?! This is so ridic.com. Thankfully, Hakeem can’t pull the trigger and says he doesn’t have to do what Loosh says anymore. FINALLY! Glad Hakeem realized this. Anyway, Lucious then says, “Watch your back. I keep my promises.” LOL. So absurd and so perfect. This show is everything that is right in the world and I’m glad it’s back in our lives. Can’t wait for the rest of the season, y’all!!! Especially, after I see the sneak preview in which Anika says that Hakeem got her pregnant. I. DON’T. HAVE. TIME. FOR. HER. TRASH. Also, Hakeem is not wearing condoms and banging so many women??? Good grief!

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